Author's note: Rated R for foul language. New readers to *Dark
Storm Rising* are encouraged to read "Division*, *Testament* and
*DSR* Chapters 6-8. This takes place in DSR chapters 9 and 10.
Daniel is recovering from the separation from Headmaster Arcee.
And I say this shit 'cuz I'm sure the two Prime's are ass-high into it.
"Into what?" you ask.
Into it all. They brought the Cons to Earth "oh, golly, look! Freakin' alien robots! Every boy's dream come true!
I can't count how many millions of people have died. I can't tell you how many friends I've lost just 'cuz I'm affiliated with those things!
And you're probably just young enough to say "yeah, that sucked. But everything's different now."
No, it's not. It's just another phase in the game.
You know . . . all my life I just wanted to be normal. You know, hold sibling wars, have friends over for the night, drool over porn, try out differ'nt stuff. As it turns out, my dad is the famous Spike Witwicky, Autobot schmooze extraordinaire. And my mom; oh yeah, you should've grown up listening to how she says the name 'Optimus Prime' as if he were something holy.
Makes me want to puke. Even now. Screw Optimus Prime, one of the biggest asses on two legs.
Don't look at me like that.
Oh, you don't know all bout Optimus Prime, do you? You're one of those morons who sucked up his speeches about being a good neighbor and how Autobots and Humans can work together for the betterment of mankind. Yeah, hell, he tried to pull the wool over my eyes when I was a kid but after the Nebulos-no even before then: the Hate Plague.
Oh, there's a story to tell. Yeah, let's talk about the Hate Plague. Ever notice how a lot of new people, those journalists skirt around the issue of the Hate Plague? Lemme tell you, the Hate Plague was one of mankind's biggest fuck-ups in history. But-BUT you know, it takes a Human to make a mistake, right? It takes a TRANSFORMER to REALLY screw the universe.
And it was ugly. It was UGLY.
Summer 2011. One of the most disastrous periods in Human history. Other than the catastrophe brought by Megatron when he phased Cybertron into the same orbit.
He was a dickhead, too. But at least he didn't try to pretend he wasn't... and he's gone now so..
Hey, got a beer on you? I haven't had one since we left Earth.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Summer, 2011. Pure hell, as if hell were some kinda creature that crawled up from some god-forsaken dimension and vomited all over the planet. The word chaos doesn't even come close. Not even close. The plague was instantaneous.
I got to watch both my parents get infected. Mom totaled the house until Dad chased her off with his gun. It was nuts, I'll tell you. I was 14. Just old enough to know the difference between a crappy day and 'oh, shit. We're paste'.
The plague was gross, like your skin was set on fire and these zits-they grew until they exploded-literally. And pain? Oh gawd, I didn't know anything could hurt so bad until the Nebulos incident. And the zits bled and the sores glowed somehow so that everyone looked like a walking glowing psychotic zombie with intent to murder.
I made the mistake of leaving the house when Mom and Dad lost their minds. I didn't know what was really going on. I'm not sure if I had a clue at all. They scared me shitless and I took off.
And yeah, that was stupid. When you're a kid, you do stupid things. Supposedly that's why Humans have parents, to protect you from yourself until you're old enough. Well, anyway, I ran down the street and I'm finding everyone's got full-blown glowing zits.
I saw one lady hack her husband to pieces with a kitchen knife. I saw an infected dog tear its mouth apart attacking a tree.
People threw things in and out of their homes. They were shrieking and slicing at themselves-one lady down the street blew her own house up. And I'm not even gonna go into what I heard about what went on along highways and grocery stores. I mean, people impaled each other on things . . . and me? My neighbor from across the street-she got a hold of me.
Yeah. We had her three-month old son for dinner that night.
The Autobots had to hire alien therapists, shrinks and counselors from an unaffected system to help us pull our heads out. I was in therapy for two solid years.
And I was supposed to be in therapy when the Nebulos Incident occurred.
Okay, get this: I was 15, okay? That's the age when your folks still think you're cute even though all you can think about is what size bra any girl at any given time is wearing. I was 15 and on another planet. We- well-the Autobots get into one of mega-millions of fights with the Decepticons and I end up a chew toy.
You know, it's funny. As a kid, everything's new and cool and you see life as just a thrill ride, right?
Well, this ride yanked honkers, okay? I mean, for a bit, it was cool to wear special equipment and hang around Arcee all the time. But then it occurred to me one day just how screwed up my life became.
I realized I was a captive of Autobot society. I hated the meetings. I hated the drills. I hated having to memorize shit that had nothing to do with my life. It was always this mission or that.
Ah! But then I met this gal: Netty. Oh boy . . . she sure knew how to peel my armor, I'll tell you. And I would have been just fine, really. I would have been just fine were it not for her bitch of a sister.
Yeah, you heard me. When God made Delphra... correction... Satan made Delphra, he put the bitch that is in every woman on overdrive in Delphra. She had the balls to call me an Autobot aft-licker. Then again maybe it WAS God.. He's got a sick sense of humor ya know.
Anyway the bitch lost a molar over that one.
No, she really did. I was just sorry it made Netty so mad. It took six freakin' months of flowers, dinners out, apologies and "meaningful sex" before she got over it.
Geeze women are a pain in the ass!
And Arcee's no exception, either. She thinks she can do whatever she damned well pleases and it pisses me off to no end that she had the gall to just drop me like that.
Don't go there. 'Cuz I get so mad about it I want to break something.
Like my daughter's head.
Netty was a good woman, though. She had her moments, but who the hell doesn't? She's quite the family gal. Her whole family eked out of the cracks when we had Dezi.
Oh, Dezi: that girl has the intellect of a rocket scientist, the temper of a demon and the charm of a beauty queen. I still can't get over how she shoved my son through the living room window-head first.
That . . . police chief, Tolomsky? He thought it was cute. He was an ass.
Oh, speaking of asses, I haven't talked about Rodimus Prime yet, have I?
Okay, on a scale of one to ten: One being the jerk that cuts you off on the highway and then slows down to twenty miles an hour and ten being Optimus-bite-me- Prime when he's giving a lecture in a foul mood, Rodimus averages a thirteen-that's on a good day.
Rodimus isn't the proverbial thorn in my side; he's the fucking brain sucking leach that can't be removed by anything less than an atom bomb.
Okay, you can scrape your jaw off the ground, now. I know you're thinking: "But Hot Rod was like a big brother to you!"
You know what? People change. Rod was cool when he and me didn't have anything better to do than go fishing or crash some off-road racing-and believe me, there's not an Autobot alive that can sneak into and win an illegal street race like Hot Rod. Not even the twins.
And for the record, Hot Rod and Rodimus Prime are NOT the same person.
Oh yeah . . . that's supposed to be top secret, or so I'm warned. Some kinda accident happened with Quintesson tech and Hot Rod died when this other Rodimus from some other dimension came over and now this Rodimus has that Rodimus' memories . . .
Don't ask. I gave up trying to figure it out.
Let me think. What else can I say about Rodimus Prime? Oh. Don't piss him off. That's a red-light warning, by the way. Optimus has a temper, but he controls it to a point.
Rodimus gives you one warning, no ultimatum.
In fact, have you ever seen those two at work together? The devil and his son couldn't be scarier. They tend to think alike but play different roles and use different approaches.
Dumb and Dumber they are not.
Optimus is the quiet one. He freaks me out because he watches everything and says very little. He knows far more than he should, really. Locked up in that office of his, you'd think that guy might as well be living in a goddamned closet. But I've been to enough diplomatic meetings to know otherwise.
Shit, he can tell you what underwear you wore three months, fourteen days and six minutes ago.
Yeah, don't go there.
Rodimus. What haven't I already said? Oh, his mouth. If Optimus is the diplomat with the proverbial silver tongue, Rodimus is the bastard son of a Quint and Judge Judy. Blunt, cold, merciless and heavy on the sarcasm. He does with words what chefs can do with the Ginsu.
Mark it. I've seen Autobots cry over it.
Dumb and Dumber they are not.
Yeah, there's more. The Frostbite has stopped shaking for the moment. At least the Autobots were smart enough to have one ship capable of protecting Humans while they fight outside. I'm not saying that's admirable; I'm saying they actually got smart. And let me develop that: Autobots are cool as far as gadgetry goes, okay? But to be honest, as a people, they are some of the dumbest shits in the galaxy. You DO NOT engage in a fight when you have an eight year-old child with you!
You DO NOT allow children to play sports with Dinobots.
You DO NOT allow weirdoes who talk in rhymes to baby sit your kid!
Have you ANY idea how OFTEN I could have DIED??
Wheelie should have been sued!
Grimlock should have been chained!
And Autobot security . . . hey, I ended up a Quintesson experiment. Is it any wonder I'm such a mess?
And THAT, my friend, leads me to the biggest issue of my whole miserable life-next to Arcee . . .
Who left me.
She just walks out at first opportunity -not so much as 'have a nice life'! She made a VOW!
What is it with women anyway? Self-seeking whores who take everything for granted. Vampires. All of them.
Oh sure, they tried to counsel me after Arcee and me were separated. Yeah. Pfft. For all the good it did. I'd like to see THEM go through this! They're all fucking clueless. And I hope Arcee is wasting away in total misery. I hope she feels nothing but remorse and regret. I hope she suffers.
'Cuz THIS IS ALL HER DAMNED FAULT!!
It was MY life they took from me! They pasted me onto her like some sort of LEECH and now they expect me to just move on like nothing happened.
I'll tell you what happened, I have a DAUGHTER who thinks she's in love with Optimus Prime, THAT'S what happened!
Straight from Day One.
Okay, first off, I have to admit that Resonna has a serious Shirley Temple complex about her. No, I don't think it's on purpose. She's actually a quiet little girl. I suspect it's on my dad's side of the family but looking at my grandfather's pictures, I'm sure it has to be from my grandmother's side of the gene pool- freckles and all.
And I swear I have never seen anyone so taken by freckles and curls the way Optimus Prime has. It's pathetic, really. I'm sure it's all new to him. Cybertron doesn't come with freckles. So, okay, seriously. It's one thing for a 30-foot, ten-ton robot to be curious over a baby. I really don't have a problem with that.
No, seriously. It's cool. I'm glad the great and mighty Optimus Prime likes kids. It means he's flexible.
But for the love of God why-WHY would a nine million year-old robot get down on his hands and knees and race with a six month old child?
Have you ever seen that? I mean he'd do ANYTHING- and I do mean ANYTHING to get her to laugh.
What the flying fuck?
He never did that with me or Brian or Dezi.
Literally. Seriously. The guy needs to watch some TV or get . . . get a fish or something.
He'll feed her and burp her and change her diapers- although I've never heard him sing her to sleep.
Oh . . . sing. Yeah, that's Rodimus' department. Yeah. I'm dead-ass serious. Rodimus is just as bad. No, he doesn't do relay races with her and he won't fight with Optimus when it comes to feeding her. But Roddi takes her to some perch on top a building and sings her to sleep.
And now she's fallen under their hypnotic spell and oh help me, God.
She thinks she's in love with Optimus Prime.
We had this custody battle and let me tell you about the LIES!
Look: yeah, we were rough with her. You gotta be stern with kids or they'll walk all over you. I know. I'm the father of three and you HAVE to control their behavior 'cuz they're incapable of controlling themselves.
Just like Bill Cosby says, they're brain Damaged! And knocking sense into a child isn't abuse-but warping her mind IS! And that's EXACTLY what they've done to her!
I don't know what it's gonna take. I really don't. Yeah, I know I've already been warned by Rodimus Prime to stay away from Resonna but she IS my daughter. I'll do as I see fit.
Yeah, okay, yeah, I'll admit he scares the livin' shit outta me. The word there is 'gum'. Not paste. Gum. But I have the right to intervene. I'm the goddamned parent! And just like Arcee, I have to control the kids-they can't do it on their own. And Resonna is even more ...naive ...easily seduced.
But you know . . . I think it's too late to save her. I really do. I don't think at this point she'll ever be normal. She's so brainwashed and so smitten that I don't think any sort of therapy or medication can help her.
She's totally delusional.
Maybe that's my fault. I wasn't there to take off the fluffy rainbow colored glasses when she was still young.
Maybe it's Prime's fault-both of them. They taught her to think like them, that everything is free and fun and good and that's just not true. Life is hard and cruel and you know, maybe that's a less they need to learn.
Come to think of it, maybe it is they who need to be taught and controlled, not the girl.
Maybe that's the solution. Right there. Remove the girl and teach them a lesson. They don't have any right to take what morally belongs to me.
So . . . I'm gonna take it back. I'm gonna teach those two-all of them-the price for emotional abduction. MY DAUGHTER! MINE! SHE'S MY PRODUCT AND THEY HAVE NO SAY IN THE MATTER!!
Gum or not.
They won't have her, even if I have to kill her.
I'll be gum, but they won't have her.