Email No. 14: August 15, 2005 / Back & Back Again

Back again. I know that I’ve been terribly slack in writing to everyone, especially via email. There are no excuses except to say that I’ve been on the road, traveling. I was gone a month this time: a week vacation visiting some volunteers up in the mountains above Lake Nyasa and Mbamba Bay (the most beautiful place in Tz in my opinion), facilitating two weeks of Pre Service Training out in the “bush” of Kilosa and then almost a week in Dar, sorting out random tidbits and wrapping things up before heading back to Mtwara. Even though I absolutely love large aspects of the travel, especially my interactions with the trainees and the other volunteers, I can never help but breathe a sigh of relief when I finally get back to Mtwara and am able to sleep in my own bed, and cook my first meal again for myself. I’ve become extremely independent living for the most part by myself in the past two years, and it’s always an inner struggle to suddenly find myself dependent on others for my every need. Inevitably, eating out all of the time, I end up eating really rich foods that I can’t get in Mtwara and far too much of them as well, which doesn’t help my energy levels at all. The most amazing thing is that after two days here, I feel completely whole again.

It will be so difficult to leave here in January. I know that I repeat those thoughts in almost every email, but they are so true and at the forefront of my mind, I have to express them again and again. I was driving in a PC vehicle the other day at training, when we passed a couple of children playing on the side of the road. Suddenly, it was as if a snapshot of their faces had been taken and placed in front of me. It seemed to me that the expressions on their faces told the story of everything that I loved, was frustrated about, had come to understand about the people here and would miss; all of the hardship, pride, endurance, and ultimately, happiness and contentment that manages to surface through it all. I did my best not to lose it at that moment, knowing what the reaction of the Tanzanian driver of the car would be (Tanzanians pretty much freak out when people start to cry- they only really do so when people die). These were just ordinary children; they didn’t showcase the elements of extreme poverty that so many in the western world tend to associate with developing countries, though they weren’t part of the elite either, just dressed in some dirty clothes, with holes in them, but not many. They were seemingly happy though and content, unaware as to all of the goings on in the world around them. It breaks my heart to know that this time, when I get on that plane, I’m actually leaving, with no immediate plan to come back. It would be so easy for me to stay here a fourth year. Tanzania has become my home and many tears will be shed when I board that final plane, but that would be the easy and less fulfilling way. In recent correspondence home, I have expressed fears about coming home and re-adjusting to “my own culture.” The great revelation for me now though is that while all of the fears I expressed still hold true, there is also a lot of excitement in my heart when thinking about all that I can do and learn about still back in the states. This is my chance to exchange ideas with people and bring back what I have learned about not only Tanzania, but also my place in the world with so many others. While there are so many good things about “home,” I’ve also become convinced that the way we function as a whole just isn’t going to work in the long run. This isn’t to directly criticize everything and everyone back in the US by any means, but rather just to say that there’s a lot to be learned by refocusing the microscope outside our own daily activities. I’m also going to have to refocus my own microscope and relearn a lot of what I’ve forgotten, but hopefully, bringing all that I’ve learned being here along with that refocusing.

We have four new PCVs coming down here next week to start their two years as Community Health volunteers. I’m excited for them. I often think as to how different my PC experience would have been if I had been able to start it knowing what I know now, and also already knowing Kiswahili (admittedly, not nearly as well as I would like). Time to go though, time to go. Everyone approaches his or her PC experience differently. I can only hope that they are willing to open their hearts and embrace the unknown; it is so difficult to break free from the safety net of weekend get-togethers and constant text messaging with other volunteers. Although the friendships I have made with other PCVs have been incredibly wonderful and I came to PC with the knowledge that I wanted to approach this experience differently than I had Spain (traveling every weekend with Americans and only Americans, and very very limited cultural exchange), I sometimes wish that I had taken just a few more minutes to sit down and talk with Mama Sharkie, or invited a few more people to dinner, or accepted a few more dinner invitations or stayed at Ndwika a few more weekends (though, admittedly, I stayed at site WAY more than the average volunteer). My experience, though wonderful, would have been just that much more richer if I had done any of those things, allowed myself to be that much more exposed. Next time, the next adventure, maybe it will be so. I have learned so much from being here, and this is just one of them.

Four weeks of work down here in Mtwara, including welcoming those new PCVs, facilitating a supervisor’s workshop, and working on that magazine distribution, then back up-country for another four weeks travel- though this time at least it will mostly be just in Morogoro. PST for Education starts the 22nd of September. I will have been in Tanzania for 36 months by the time they arrive. =0) Africa truly gets in your blood.

Love to you all!

Jess

There are some flowers planted by my bedroom that give off the most wonderful scent at night. Just smelling those really lift my spirits, make me feel alive and at peace. I want to plant lots of flowers around my house (and in my house!) when I move to my next place (New Mexico???… school again-after coming home, after the Appalachian Trail, and after living with dad for a year, working.)

Read a book recently “The Kite Runner” that really disturbed me and also has sparked some interest in learning about the recent (past 30 years) in Afghanistan and that area. It’s written from the perspective of a child that was born in the 70’s and was lucky enough to immigrate to America during the Russian invasion, and then returned about 5 years ago. Very interesting, though graphically horrific. Sorry, I don’t have the author.

Another good very small coffee table book that Heidi’s mom sent to her is “Tomorrow: adventure in an uncertain world” by Bradley Trevor Greive. He’s one of those that takes pictures of animals in all sorts of situations and then puts their pictures to words. I found his words comforting and often return to it… it only takes 5-10 minutes to read. =0)